![]() DeRay DeVorkian, clinical researcher at the University of Florida believes he may have pinpointed the cause of the universal 'sick'ness found in many Death Metal bands. "Dude, that is sick." "Dude, you're sick." "Sick performance." "That's a sick riff." "Sick vokills man." Countless hours in emergency rooms and doctors' offices has not given Death Metal bands the answer they need: namely, why am I always so 'sick'? Researchers in Sweden, Antarctica and other Death Metal hotbeds have spent decades analyzing microscopic bacteria found in the body hair and beards of many Death Metal band members. One of the confusing things for many Death Metal bands is that they are always being told by adoring fans that they are 'sick'. Other symptoms include: having a neck larger than your head, bloody diarrhea from constant exposure to deadly bass lines, moshpititus, and surprisingly, death. It could also mean that you took too many drugs. This shows that you listen to the loud, gravelly buzz noise that is Death metal and are therefore cooler than everyone. Bleeding ears in the Death Metal culture is highly fashionable, which means ears must be bleeding at all times. Listening to this type of music usually induces brain hemorrhaging, which leads to bleeding of the ears. This caused a paradox in time, merging death with metal. Ozzy Osbourne then bit the head off the bat and spewed blood over a guitar amp. Other sources suggest death metal was formed from a over cooked fruit bat that escaped from a George Foreman grill. Currently, Dethklok serves as the ambassador between the world and Death Metal. However, it wasn't until Cookie Monster in his band Cannibal Cookies that death metal found their trademark vocal style. Soon the Anasazi found that drums were not enough, so they added downtuned guitars, basses and incoherent shouting to the sound. They made small statues resembling Ch'lith Zhu to hit. ![]() But one day Ch'lith Zhu had been beaten so badly that he was just a smear on the ground, so the Anasazi had to hit something else. Soon, hitting Ch'lith Zhu with a rock became a common way to release rage. This sound helped relive Ch'thzhlu'tu's rage, so he did it again. The Anasazi did not know how to express this feeling, so they kept it bottled up until one day an Anasazi man named Ch'thzhlu'tu (Pronounced tom) lost his temper and hit his best friend Ch'lith Zhu (Pronounced Warble) over the head with a rock. The roots of Death metal (Metallus Deathicus) can traced back to 2000 BC when the Anasazi discovered a new emotion: Rage. Being around so much brutality leaves many bands incapable of smiling. ![]()
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